The Turd List
THE GHOST TURD
The kind where you feel the turd come out, see the turd on the toilet paper, but there's no turd in the bowl.
THE CLEAN TURD
The kind where you feel the turd come out, see the turd in the bowl, but there's no the turd on the toilet paper.
THE WET TURD
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE TURD
This turd happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to turd some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE TURD
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Turd." You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN TURD
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG TURD
The kind of turd that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down by breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIUS DRINKER TURD
The kind of turd you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD TURD" TURD
The kind where you want to turd, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS TURD
Also known as the "Power Dump." That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID TURD
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD TURD
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This turd is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This turd occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
This turd occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS TURD
A turd so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK TURD
This turd has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" TURD
This is any turd created in the presence of another person.
A turd so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
Characterized by its floatability, this turd has been known to resurface after many flushings.
A turd which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM TURD
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO TURD
Now you see it, now you don't. This turd is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
A turd that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to a turd (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near turding facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny turd which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC TURD
This turd occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Turd.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE TURD
This turd may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN TURD
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T turd.
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
Fear of turding - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL TURD
Also known as a "Still Going" turd.
THE POWER DUMP TURD
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER TURD
This kind of turd is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Turd).
THE SPINAL TAP TURD
The kind of turd that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" TURD
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Turds. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE TURD
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" TURD
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" TURD
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" TURD
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air. not expensive prom party wears in black
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" TURD
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.