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Optimism in the Housing Market

Auntie Wainwright sends Smiler out selling door to door with sample cases that are much too heavy. The handle breaks on one case and falls on his right foot. To keep his sore foot safe, Wesley modifies a wheelchair with a bumper.
Howard is disguised as a blind man with Marina as his guide.
Series 20, Episode 5, 23rd May 1999

Auntie W - You realise it's a promotion? You're now the spearhead of the new sales policy.
Smiler - (HE GASPS) Shouldn't I wear a badge? L-plates, back and front(!)
Auntie W - You haven't sold anything yet!
Smiler - Some people are nervous about people coming to the door.
Auntie W - Yes, if they see a face like that.
Haven't you got another expression?
Smiler - Lugging all this lot, it could be sheer exhaustion.
Auntie W - I like it.
It'll be an improvement.
Smiler - I can I can hardly lift this case up.
I'm all wrongly balanced.
Don't worry, lad.
I've thought about that too.
Salt of the earth.
You could sell him anything.
Life has so many perils.
I married one.
I often promised to marry one.
It makes me grow cold to think we could have been born in Bavaria and had to wear leather shorts.
Hey, I'm getting tired.
Why don't we hitch a ride? That's idle, irresponsible and not a bad idea.
Imagine what could happen to you, hitch-hiking in leather shorts! I bet he votes Tory.
Would YOU stop for somebody dressed like you? So I'm not a power dresser! At least his knees are covered.
They WERE at school - in scabs and inkspots.
Tha should have seen me elbow! I'll show you how to get a lift.
I'm not hiding! There's another way.
You play upon people's curiosity.
The thing about human nature is, everybody's a nosey parker.
The next vehicle that comes, we ignore it.
We pretend we're looking at something very interesting.
The chances are, the bloke'll stop and come for an eyeball.
Then we've got him! LOUD ROCK MUSIC HE SWITCHES MUSIC OFF Found something? Aye, thee.
We need a lift.
I just want to look first.
I told you - nosey parkers.
I thought Edie usually did it for him.
I try to keep me hand in.
He's worse than Nora Batty.
More feminine.
Only in this light.
What were you looking at? There's nothing.
It was a ploy.
We were just being sneaky.
And tha fell for it! You're hiding it from me, aren't you? You don't want me to know.
Why don't you want me to know? There's nothing there.
You're keeping it to yourselves.
Ah! Is that it down there? Down where? There.
Didn't he marry twice? Twice - and several near misses.
SHE's been married before.
I helped with the wedding reception.
You had a job to tell who belonged to who and THEY didn't seem too sure.
I hope they have it all written down somewhere, in case of accidents.
And HE seemed more interested in the bridesmaid.
Always had a handkerchief in his top pocket.
It's a bad sign.
Good men have better uses for their handkerchiefs.
And you could never wash the stains out! No matter how much you boiled 'em.
Still, better than finding them smelling of perfume.
If they start taking care of their hankies, you're in trouble.
Well, he married her.
It wouldn't be long before he ran out of handkerchiefs.
She didn't look much of a washer to me.
Not with fingernails like that.
The only thing she was equipped for was poking somebody's eye out! Come in, why don't you(?) Where does he think he's going with that lot? Australia? I'm selling door-to-door.
I don't suppose you ladies would be interested You're right.
We're not.
Sit down and stop making such a clatter.
I haven't time to sit down.
I'm working for Hitler's sister.
I just wondered if you ladies would be interested in Ohh O-Of course, it's wonderful exercise for toning up the muscles.
By the time I get the heart attack, I'm going to be really fit.
Emigrating, Smiler? Was it something we said? I'm selling, door-to-door.
To be honest, it doesn't look as interesting as something like drink or funny women.
It's not.
You mean, he knows? I've had my share of funny women! Is there any other kind? Stick with me, Norm.
I'll show thee the ropes.
Your rope is holding up your trousers.
We hope! They look heavy, Smiler.
What are you doing with that lot? Nothing.
Nobody wants to buy.
Oh, give him a lift before he loses that cheerful expression(!) We'll give you a lift to t' next street.
Oh-h! What's tha got in there? Every bloomin' thing.
Oww! Morris dancers! Where's the bells, lad? Bells to you! A wheelchair? Not only do I have one, but I can do you a very good price.
It's for Smiler.
He's had an accident - his handle fell off.
A heavy suitcase fell on his foot.
Oh, my goodness! Is the suitcase all right? The suitcases are fine! Wesley's looking after them.
Mm, our first concern must be Smiler.
Did he have a lot of money on him? I don't think he'd sold anything.
Oh, dear! It's worse than I thought.
Where's Smiler now? In Casualty.
We want the wheelchair to get him home.
Home? Bring him here! He's meant to be working.
He's hurt his foot! Badly bruised, by the noise he made.
We've always thought he was a quiet person.
One foot! Huh! His foot can take the day off.
I want the rest of him here.
Nice, isn't it? I was only looking.
The simple disguises are the best.
Not the most exciting, just the best.
What's more innocent than helping someone like me cross the road? This is the third time, Howard! Will we ever be able to meet under normal circumstances? What, and lose half the fun? Crossing the road is not all a girl thinks of when she thinks of fun.
Well, we needn't JUST cross the road.
I mean, you could take me for a walk sometimes.
It would be a simple act of kindness.
It'd be a long walk, with you tapping your stick all the time.
I've got to make it look real! Ah, you want to cross the road? Come on.
TOOT! Fourth time! Will somebody tell me why we're all walking when there's a spare chair? I suppose you want us to push you? That's very kind, Truly.
Tha's a good lad, for an ex-copper.
People will think it's our fault he's in that condition.
Say I've neglected meself on account of pining for Nora Batty.
Hey up, what's this I'm sitting on? I don't know what tha bought this for, Norm.
You saw.
It was a medical emergency.
I thought she'd suspend her sales activity during the crisis.
Maybe she did.
She only sold you ONE ornament! Hey up! Look who's coming - Nora Batty, my own true love! The mop-and-duster set's Joan Collins! Leave the talking to me.
Ask if she wants to buy an attractive ornament.
Whatever's the matter? How long's he been in a chair? Is that Nora? I thought I heard Nora.
Oh, Lord! I'm beginning to hear things now! No, you're not, love.
It's me.
How are you feeling? It is! It's Nora.
Oh, I'm so glad you've come, love, whilst there's still time.
When did it happen, love? They sayit could happen at any minute.
See, I told thee! Oh, take him away! He wants locking up! I enjoyed that! A nibble a day keeps the doctor away.
I'd sooner kiss the Streatham Strangler.
Again? Ee, you look flustered.
I've been assaulted by a man in a wheelchair.
A wheelchair?! Oh, they never give up, do they? It was him next door.
What was he doing in a wheelchair? He lures people into feeling sorry for him, and then he strikes! Did you hit him? How can you hit anybody in a wheelchair? Oh, the crafty devil! Wait till I catch him on his feet again! ENGINE WHINES He's been tampering with it - it never used to climb on THIS pavement. fall bridesmaid dresses
You can't leave that there.
I didn't leave it here.